For the longest time I lived afraid of representating my truth, just freely being me. I think because I’m an over thinker and immensely feel energies, I refuse to go back to rooms that gave me the triggers of self doubt and reject.
For anyone whose so boldly stirred up with her purpose,she should have herself firgued out, so many would denote. I don’t, I am terrified half of the time to explore rooms that can come up in fumes because of my liberated yet conservative thinking the perfect paradox of being me.
I think the people hate that they would constantly need to find themselves peeling layers of who I am and still can’t define me, the mystery aggitates many into assuming my existence and experiences.
I excape egosetric places that feed off titles rather than me being just human. I think being called is one of the loneliest journeys to pursue because nothing is about you. You constantly fighting raging wars within yourself and spending nights trying to ask God why He chose you. Slowly realising it’s nothing to do with me but what God would pour into my empty vessel hence I can’t overflow of self rather HIM.
My truth is, I don’t have my faith on lock and I think that’s why God considered me, i hate it when I face challenges that set me off because chances I want to give up on Him. I don’t want to pray nor read the word. Some of us have bargained into Christianity thinking that it’s going to be a journey filled with no trials.
Thing is about having a purpose you go through certain phases :
- You are loved by EVERYONE for having ambition
- You are irritating everyone who wished the dream was theirs
- You are unsupported/unfollowed by PEOPLE who are spectators
- You attract your tribe
- YOU vibrate Higher and EVERYONE quotes how they knew you.
Here’s a testimony :
Two years ago, I was held at gun point, after going to an interview that would serve Him. I lost all my belongings, where was this God when I needed Him?
I had just hosted an amazing event for the calling He led me into,the enemies attack on me where alot yet I safely realised that He knew that I’d be faced with such a circumstance, I was still mad at God yet He allowed a woman who was at my event to donate a phone that I would use to further this purpose which I wanted to leave.
I continued posting, as I did the messages ministered to me before anyone else. I thought I would be an “Oprah” by now. We THINK it only takes two years to generate huge amounts of income. It doesn’t it. It takes sacrifice, being ridiculed for pursuing purpose, losing friends who thought your vision would serve them but it’s taking too long now you being their burden. It takes you being broke, you failing and do it all over again it takes, humility and patience. It takes AUDACITY.
I’ve always felt displaced, moreso this speaks to the root of my past for those who know. I just couldn’t trust easily. I listened to a podcast recently about conflict resolution by Jesus and Jollof and it spoke volumes about me. I’ve had the mentality like many of us do, to not speak out when we hurt or feel a certain way. We would just “let things slide” but the problem with that I’d harbor the hurt and let the people go.
This is why I seemingly I hated going into new relationships and friendships because I had harboured hurt. I’d tick off the boxes to assure my faith was intact yet my heart needing mending.
Many of us have unending hatred towards who they’ve become. We’ve lived in the guilt of the past of what was spoken to you, or the stares of “she can’t amount to nothing.” We have become our greatest enemies. We’ve denied ourselves spaces that deserve our awesomeness, because of the ideologies of the past or how people are perceived us.
I faced a severe depression in the year 2018. I loathed dressing up and being at places, it’s true when people say check on your strong ones. I had an ex whom we’d been friends checking on me, He didn’t have to, He had is own relationship to deal with.
He would call and asked if I’m dressed for church to help me be around people to his detriment. I think the misconception is that we constantly trying to find the worst in human beings rather than wanting to check on them.
We are the first to post when they dead nor commit suicide yet if there’s no love in us we all can go to church and live a lie which for me has been my current and biggest christian frustration is that we genuinely don’t want to care for each other.
We ready to gossip and whose pregnant out of wedlock, been raped, a prostitute, whose going to clubs, whose had an abortion, whose HIV+ but we are never there to say how is your soul doing today,I believe we playing church and heathens would detest our Christ because we are the vultures that send church members out running to the wilderness to sell their souls to the devil to survive rather than be in church and ask for help.
Bulelwa is asking you today: HOW IS YOUR SOUL DOING?
Article by: Bulelwa Mpinda